Perhaps it is because I have reached that certain age. What seemed to be well organized and put in their proper time sequence does not seem to work the same way it used to.
More specifically, as I wake up each morning, I am finding I have some confusion separating my memories from my dreams or, is it the other way, my dreams from my memories. Yes, I am very confused as I am starting the day. I am not sure whether I should be worried about this. Now I really did not partake in all those drugs that were around in the 60s. I swore off weed after a bad experience with some brownies in 1976. I really do not drink very much, so I am not melting the myelin sheaths around my axons, so I really wonder what is happening to me. Yes, perhaps I have reached that certain age.
Transitioning my gender four years ago certainly has been an experience of living my dream. Hiding in fear, confusion and shame for decades was released. Learning, or actually re-learning how to be in relationships not only with others, but also with myself has been an adventure I never thought possible. Those dreams have become memories and I am finding that I am losing track of time. Who was I before I transitioned? Who am I now? Who will I be tomorrow? I am pretty sure they are all me, but there are so many different versions of me, no wonder I am getting confused.
In my book, No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth, I am pretty clear that I choose to live in the present moment. I do fully want to do this and believe that this is the best way to live one’s life. I still dream of possibilities but there are mornings it seems as if they have already happened. Are the memories of my dreams really the dreams of my memories? Have I traveled to another dimension or another timeline when I am in REM sleep — only being pulled back to this place where I exist in this moment?
Last week I met a friend who is early in her exploration and questioning of where she might be on her gender journey. I am always glad to be a resource for those who are not as far along this journey. There were many girls there for me when I was in my exploration stage. I am happy to answer questions of all types, but clearly point out that she needs to talk to many people and figure out her own story and her own answers. It was hard for me to know if my answers were my memories or some dreamlike story that was taking their place. This was my first awareness that I am starting to travel in time. I hope I didn’t confuse her too much or set her off on a wrong path. She is comparing her feelings with those she learns from others. I am pretty sure that this is best way for exploring our gender identity when it does not fit the culturally accepted binary model, so she is doing the right thing.
I am four years post transition and I am again dreaming of possible futures. I hope to make a difference for other people, in ways I do not even know right now. Sometimes I am getting stuck and not living in the present. I think I have some memories of living like this from times long ago. I am thinking hard and deep to find the memories of how I got unstuck and made the choice — some quite hard — to follow my dreams.
Right now, I am stuck in the groove of my memories/dreams and need a little push to jump back to the present. Time traveling does have its benefits. However, I do not want to get stuck there! All I really have is now!
Grace Stevens is a transgender woman who transitioned at the age of 64 and holds a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. She is a father of three, grandparent of two, athlete, advocate and author of No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth, an intimate memoir of her personal struggle to transition and live her true life authentically as a woman. For more information about Grace, her work and how Gender Variance Education and Training can help you, visit her website at: http://www.graceannestevens.com/. Follow Grace on Twitter: www.twitter.com/graceonboard .
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