The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
Each week HuffPost Women rounds up the most hilarious 140-character jokes from women on Twitter we could find to brighten your day. We’ve got to hand it you ladies, these keep us laughing every single week. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
This is an A and B conversation so C your way to D store and ask E what the F he’s doing cuz know what G, he probably H your lunch not I. K?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 30, 2015
the great thing about being a female comic is that it’s NEVER your tweets that keep you from getting that hosting job.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) March 31, 2015
I can see clearly now the pain is gone…
Me, after poking my eye out with my mascara wand.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 2, 2015
If you respond to "I haven’t watched it yet, don’t say anything" with "ok, all I’m going to say is.." and then literally ANYTHING, fuck you.
— Taylor Casti (@thecoppergirl) March 30, 2015
Be the author of your own story. Be the drunken star of someone else’s Snapchat story.
— Colette McIntyre (@calledcolette) March 31, 2015
On Easter we celebrate a person’s ultimate sacrifice and resurrection- when our savior Anna gave her life to save Queen Elsa.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 3, 2015
Hey there Delilah, remember acoustic guitar guy? You went on like half a date & then he wrote that creepy song? umm he came up on my Tinder.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 3, 2015
Here’s an accurate impression of me as a friend:
*sends you seven separate text messages instead of one paragraph about the same topic*
— Amy Spiker (@ASpiker) April 1, 2015
Explaining gefilte fish to a non-Jew. It never gets easier. #Passover
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) April 3, 2015
*looks at facebook photos from 2009* Welp, I can’t run for president
— Lauren Zupkus (@laurenzup) April 3, 2015
"Tear Here" should add "First try with hands, then teeth, then scissors, steak knives and eventually a chainsaw. Good luck."
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 3, 2015
*sees a group of teens, is terrified*
*realizes she’s invisible to them*
*is somehow hurt even more*
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) April 3, 2015
~*WhEn yR eX dOeSn’T cHaNgE tHeIr FaCeBoOk pRoFiLe pIc OfTeN EnUfF sO YoU CaN’T ReAlLy TelL iF ThEy LoOk sHiTty nOw *~
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) April 3, 2015
Can Claire Underwood from House of Cards please do an exercise tape where she’s like cold and dispassionate but she gives you a perfect ass?
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 30, 2015
If you love something, let it go. I want it. It’s mine now.
— Yael (@elle91) March 22, 2015
The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, can’t have too many enemies.
— (maura) (@behindyourback) March 30, 2015
*becomes an adult*
No, what the heck
— moody monday (@mdob11) March 29, 2015
idk about having kids but I would adopt a 80 year old. Because there so cute at that age.
— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) April 3, 2015
How about no more Instagrams of your food or your private plane.
— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) April 3, 2015
My favorite pastime is apologizing to inanimate objects i bump into .
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 1, 2015
Source: Huff Post
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